Confessions of a wench . . .

Wench: servant girl, peasant girl, wanton woman.

I must confess that I have been indulging my flesh. I've indulged my flesh on the free way, in the grocery store, in my conversations with people. Let me explain. The Bible talks about the flesh as a bad thing. The part of your body and soul that is selfish and carnal and smelly. The part of me that I will forever fight against, even though as a Christian I am a "new creation" and born again, so to speak. It will haunt me until I finish the race set before me, until I cross that great finish line in the sky, or whatever. The problem is that I have instead chosen to stop fighting against my flesh and FOR the things of God(which I want) and have instead given in, readily eating more ice cream, driving faster on the freeway, getting angrier then I know I should. I have ceased to strive for moderation and have just taken to doing what makes me feel good. Have you heard the expression that the dog that gets the biggest, the fastest, is the one you feed the most? The dog I want to get the biggest is the Spiritual. Instead, as I'm tired and busy, I'm feeding the dog, the Flesh, and he's not pretty. I don't want to give in, to give up. I've stumbled and now is the time to get back up, even though the Flesh dog is easier to feed and more fun to watch grow.

My epiphany came as I was driving home on the freeway today. I found myself closer to giving at least 2 different drivers the bird-finger than I have been for years. I would have liked to think that after more than 11 years as a Christian I would have been past that, and yet here I am, envisioning myself waving that hand right out the window, the truck driver having deserved every wave. By the time I get home, I've practiced that anger and impatience to such a degree that my relationships are suffering. If people aren't doing what I think they should, or they hurt my feelings(god forbid, right?) I'm quick to return the favor and am vicious. I grew up in a household where we knew just what buttons to push to hurt and in a fight, we raced to hit those buttons in each other, just to protect our own buttons. Healthy, right? As a Christian, God has been dealing with me, and has been conforming me more to His image. It's a good thing, a GOD thing. He's helping me to have compassion, love, grace for people that I just didn't have on my own. I have digressed. For this there is grace. God still loves me. He still has a plan for me. He still sees me as a wonderful daughter. I see the day-to-day reality. The failures. Don't get me wrong, I see the successes, too, the joys, the blessings, the excitement He has for me in the future, but I'm not happy with the detour I've taken from the joyful path. I don't like me then. My mom has told everyone that I am a special ed teacher for years. I had the degree, I worked with the kids, but I was only a paraeducator for 6 years. No matter how many times I explained Mom, I'm not really a full out special ed teacher, she still introduced me to everyone as her daughter, the special ed teacher. She has always been so proud of me. (But Mom, I HATE my kids right now! and I could be teaching teaching, again, the day-to-day reality) I kind of see my relationship with God like that. He sees me as His finished, perfect, beautiful Princess, even though I've slacked, turned my back or even spit in His face. He loves me with a perfect love.

If I want to continue to grow with God at the pace I have chosen, I must choose to put my flesh to death, to "crucify the old man", again. It will be an ongoing path in life. I am completely certain that I do not want the alternative path, what is behind door number 2, though. Jesus asked Peter once "are you leaving me, too?" and Peter responded "where else would I go Lord? You alone hold all the chocolate in the world". Well, that's my paraphrase. He actually said "you hold the words to eternal life" or something like that. Where else would I go? I've seen too much of God to want anything else.

Along with that comes some repentance. Changed behavior and turning and going the opposite direction. I must stop being ruled by my flesh, and work on incorporating discipline and moderation into my life. I also apologize to people that I've snapped at or injured. My Flesh Dog has maimed several. I'm sorry.

I know that some of you have stopped reading, and some of you are thinking, "you're being too hard on yourself" and some of you are thinking "what a fricken nutcase!" But I've chosen this path, and I wouldn't want anything else. Come on Spiritual Doggy, curl up on the couch beside me and have a snack. We'll fatten you up in no time! Good dog!

Oh, and the wench part? I've chosen to be a servant to the King, even though I am a daughter, too.